4 things I detest about Indian Television

You can make a billion calls. Call a trillion homes. I will eat myself if you could find a more religious couch potato than me. I watch T.V as often as Ganguly blinks his eyes. Ever since I was a kid, television is my life.

My mind has been programmed to adapt to any show, without getting bored irrespective of how boring, mind numbing and ear shattering it could be.

However, over the years there are a few things I hate which creep every now and then which irritate the crap out of a person like me, who religiously watches TV with the concentration of a surgeon operating on a delicate hamster.

Indian TV shows are a buttload of melodramatic garbage which refuse to flush beyond a page of sensible page of story line.

Here are five things television could do without-

• Advertisements- There is nothing that beats the irritation caused by an untimely ads which pop up at the peak tense moment in the movie. Getting my attention is really hard and once set, I forget the world around me and devote precious seconds of my life wondering, how the story would turn next, when BOOM, I am forced to face the advantages of incontinence sanitary napkins for the old. Why in the world, would anyone glued to a story suddenly think "hey since the movie I love has a millionth ad I hate, why not buy these so, the old age population can pee better!"
•  The slow drag-   Name any program on TV, watch it for a day or two, come back after a world tour, reincarnate and back, the storyline will continue to be in the same sets, where you last remember watching. The 1 billion eyeballs glued to TV are ready to sacrifice all comforts of life, just to watch people walk around in slow-mo. Nothing beats the suspense of these shows, as they cover every random aspects of walking corridors, doing odd jobs with a mellow classical background music.
• Patronizing Cricket- India loves cricket. Every ad today irrespective of how unnecessary deals with cricket.WOULD you ever spend 15 lakhs to go for an IPL edition car? Definitely not! Endorsements are supposed give us a reason to invest in a particular product. Our ad makers are either too bonkers to depict cricket so often on TV. People abroad who fly to India feel that Indians fantasize cricket. Our sodas, diapers, mosquito coils and even cements all depict jobless people playing cricket, or scoring a century due to the usage of a fairness cream!
• The lead actor/actress NEEDS to have a STUPID BFF..-  NAME A movie and you have it. The protagonist always needs one gay/funny/insanely rich friend who basically serves no purpose of existence but to circle around the main leads life. These people are voyeurs who enjoy watching the lead actors make out, romance and provide valuable advice during tough phases.They are the people who no one cares about, just the way we chuck bones of the chicken.

Indian television has a very long way to go. Its time we see some new stuff. 

What else is on tv?

BAD NEWS! SAD NEWS!

I have been paying extra attention to the newspapers and news ever since the crap issues of fuel hike came up.

There was a point of time in life, where news was the greatest source of entertainment and information which every other channel on TV failed to provide.

Parents would have no issues for how long the TV would be switched on, as the news channel was valid enough to watch.

Papers carried sacred information which every IAS aspirant would roll and shove it up the ass.

THEN BOOM!!!

It was all over!!!

As the political drama unfolded in the country and news became easier to catch, news channels preferred to extract crap from very issue they could see.

I recall a bearded man with a dark complexion, looking like a troll dressed up in coat and tie, describing the rape of a minor!!

"As the victim pleaded for help, our rapist held her on fours and continued to thrust!!! Our sources are yet to find out if she was the best fuck of his life or not!!",

"the rape lasted for 2 hours and 3mins, with the rapist finally walking out as a satisfied man!"

The black troll continues towards issues so primitive and grasping, that people would pee in the couch than, to walk for a toilet break!!

During peak issues where reporters run to the scene, the studio anchors, watch in interest as the guy with the mike rants the same old crap discussed every half an hour.

"yes as you can see right behind me in the republic day parade, the horses escorting the president has just left huge droppings on the road!!!! THE QUESTION FOR TODAYS AUDIENCE IS.....HOW MANY PRESIDENTIAL horses will crap"

The press loves to question every dick, unrelated to the event. Every irrelevant aspect has to shared as a nugget of knowledge.

"HOW DID U FEEL WHEN YOU WERE ROBBED?"

ANS= "IT WAS AMAZING, I WISH HE COULD ROB MY HOUSE TONIGHT"

When, the good old issues which deserve widespread national attention come up, the reporter would rather concentrate on the trivial aspects.

Our 26/11 attacks, was turned into a 3day action show, with every movement around the building captured well by the press. This probably gave the shooters, maximum idea of outer happenings as one of them staying glued to the TV.

26/11 was not only a disaster of the humankind, but also marked the death of Meaningful press.

During the visit of the Pakistan president Zardari and his pet kid Bilawal, there was a 45 min coverage of the runway where the plane was expected to land.

The agenda of the meet was not even considered to be flashed, until the next day. This was the headline all over the place-

I as a viewer thousands of miles away from the president, can tell issues such as where he had his lunch, what he ate, and how many times he yawned before a burp.

Such random coverage by media is an excuse to show how they care for the tiniest of the details.

It is stuff like this that kills the enthusiasm of the audience which forgets about what the major issue is.

The idea of PRESS and its RESPONSIBILITIES has vanished into the oblivion of sadism.

These are the times, which call for the remote to go for an alternative on TV.

WHAT ELSE IS ON???

who killed the simple times?

Gone are the days, when every minute idea in this world,was appreciated for its simplicity and ease of action.

Gone are the days, when a cricket bat and ball meant the world to a twelve year old, while the older and younger believed in casual letter writing to express concern to their peers.

Apple was just a fruit and gaming related to the fat video game cassettes which were a status symbol of the those times.

99999 games in one cassette was the biggest disappointment and lie in those days, yet no one cared.

The deadline to get back home was 6 in the evening. 

When the Most popular games were "Chuppan

Chupai", "Baraf Pani" and "Oonch Neech"
.
When the best delights were "Polka", "Popcorns", "Jubilee" and "Mitchelles Toffee"
... .
When Pepsi was worth Rs/- 6
.
Watching 7:30 am cartoons before school on Cartoon network

and 7 pm "Ninja Turtles" and "Captain Planet" .

When we were not allowed to watch movies but we

managed it anyway
.
When our best asset was "Bubble Gummers Shoes"

. When getting Rs/- 50 meant, You were rich
.
When decisions were made by "Akkar Bakkar

Bombay Bow"
.
When the worst nightmares were "Injections", "Darkrooms" and "Qari Saab"
.
When "Wonder Brand ki BMX Cycle" was a source of

jealousy in the entire mohalla
.
When, while playing cricket, rule was "Ghar mein jane ka out aur jo maare ga, woh le kar aye

 

ga"

Goggles and shades were an embarrassment and no one cared to get one of those.

I am the most affected victim of this drastic change which sweeped the entire country off its feet.

I am the sole warrior who defends the pride of the 90s whenever a comparison is made in the current times.

There has been a widespread change in not only genre of music, dance, sports, lifestyle etc but also in the mindsets of people towards accepting the mob mentality which has led to a void, thus creating a lack of appreciation to what was beautiful before.

The beauty of writing letters, the importance it had over sending the printed cards with a poem,

nimboo pani preferred over today's minute maid crap, all affects the simplicity.

It is indeed amazing to move towards convenience and moving forward, but this has slowly killed the spirit of the feelings which some people like me have regarding issues of human relations, complications and other simple joys if life.

Before the age of Biebers, Linkin parks, there were timeless music of the  Black Sabbath, led zep, Metallica which still make a lot of sense in comparison to today's VH1 shots.

Rest in peace old times.....

MY PARLE-G buddy..

I never wrote a piece on any of the important living things in my life.

Here is an account on a dear little friend I made who is the only welcoming member near the place I stay.

I live in a modest individual house on a wide road, surrounded by green belts and and amazing smooth road, where it is a common site to spot newbie drivers, smokers, dog walkers and good looking sirens.

My house is proudly caged by majestic royal metal gates, which display an amazing royal presence from a far distance.

 We have amazing cars which pass by with kids skating away on the smooth roads which boasts an amazing stretch of over 10 kms. Yet the place is calm, and sometimes in mid afternoons and nights, one can hear their own blood circulations in their ears.

Ever since I could ever recall, DOG is the one and only royal king of the entire concrete jungle where loads of residents live. He was famous.Everyone knew him as he was the only dog in the street.Rich dynamic men and old timers all recognized and respected his authority.

He starts his day early in the morning with a stroll, around, giving august company to old jobless men, who buy milk, or regularly walk in the wee hours of morning.

I happened to have my first encounter with him one morning when I needed to purchase cookies to go with my milk when, DOG comes towards me in a sort of "whats up" kind of way.

Out of plain curiosity towards a stray dog and some change left, I decided to part with a few bucks and got him a small PARLE-G biscuit packet. I opened it and left it on the road. DOG gobbled the entire pack in a nano second with his tongue making a rhythmic flap.

Thus, a new friendship was born between us. Every visit of mine to that store invited a personal greeting from DOG, who enjoyed my greeting snack for PARLE-G biscuits.

In return for this gesture, he guarded our drive way road from, evil spirits, neighborhood dogs and noise making beings. The best part about him, was that he enjoyed silence as much as we did. He never barked ever.

Rain or shine, it was a pleasure to see the stray wag its tail everytime I left for college, or for jog.

DOG was my guardian and ally and I became his cookie buddy.

Then, a few days later an old lady complained to the authorities for a dog catcher to make a trip.

They arrived in a 16th century TATA van, which had a few stray canines frustrated in chains.

I was walking home from a stroll, when I suddenly remembered my DOG.

There was not a sign of his presence anywhere in the vicinity.

The van left without him and I felt DOG was not amongst those who gave up. He was a royal with a panache.

The next day I was back to my usual routine of life. I made a trip to the grocery store and back.DOG was nowhere to be seen.

Pappu, the guy who cleaned our driveway, said that he died due to some ailment. Rekha my maid, said he died due to an accident.

Over 2 months have passed since I last saw him. I still hope he ll come back as I have cookies at home just for him. Maybe he has some friends to look after, or some promises to keep.

Maybe I ll see him tomorrow or sometime soon.

loving my mediocrity.

An average I was born , an average I will die.
I cannot lob a soccer ball across the field
nor can I paint an imagination with the right textures.
I am not a poet who can give the deep meanings in lines,
nor do i have the patience to stick my bum to the chair and type.
I have the voice, which people wont even give alms for,
I dance with 2 left feet
I lose guitar picks in a jiffy,

What I CAN do in life,
is to laugh at myself to keep the mood light,
I am an expert in mediocrity,
I have mastered the urge to stay content,
I am the lone spectator of this rat race,
NOTHING CAN FAZE ME
No one can steal my middle position
as I AM THE unchanging parcel of life,
I AM THE ALPHA
THE OMEGA
THE GOD WHO RUNS AWAY FROM TIME
AS I NEED TO PLEASE NO ONE,
I Dont have a limit
Limitless I was
so shall i remain.

POLITICAL SCENE-ARIO

Life is so unfair.

Thus begins my ballad of intense sadness where, I succumb due to the sadness of turnout of events in the current scenario.

Sachin Tendulkar who makes makes millions of fans orgasm with his quality cricket will lose his charisma through an unsuccessful stint at the parliament which will degrade his respect in the eyes of the common man.

We have hyped is cricket career enough by celebrating enough of his stats which include ton of tons, most balls faced to most times farted at crease to most times burped on the leg side.

This new innings in the political arena is a suicidal way to sign off from a stupendous career as an adored batsman.

We as Indians let a personality become a member of the parliament of the largest democracy in the world based on merits which include the number of stints in bollywood, to merits achieved in the entertainment industry. It is a situation of national shame which we all are too occupied to ever cover.

The government in this country is surrounded by entertaining nymphets be it Sonia Gandhi who made her husband skip a beat back in college to Jayalalitha, the woman with the best moves once in Tamil film industry.

We fail to understand and appreciate the importance of bringing like minded people to become able senators, in order to bring a systematized authority in the country.

We are too busy applauding for actors and entertainers enter politics who shag black money to Swiss banks and give us further more reasons to be ashamed of.

The current situation will lead to the following people definitely joining the political scenario in the coming future.

Sunny Leone hit the popularity charts in the adult industry much before people started watching Dhoni play in the cricket team.

She became a bedroom desire ever since she featured in the celebrity show of big boss where she continued to carry the message of self satisfaction amongst the thousands of male viewers. I wouldnt be shocked to see her as a publicity campaign tactic by a political party, considering the male dominated population in our country. I myself might end up voting for her.

Baba Ramdev, the chest swelling gross looking Yoga star created enough buzz in the country with his anti-corruption scandal, which gave me another reason to switch off the television news channels.

Gone are the days when there were actually some self help shows radiating good will and good health.

This man has abused all the right strings of serenity.

IN SHORT, he has a beard and wears clothes.

GOVT will hire him shortly.He is pretty expensive. I can buy two private air craft carriers to get him to give me spiritual advice.

After a nice patriotic box office stint with Lagaan ,Mangal Pandey, and some off beat crap like TaRE Zameen Par, its time we let the Khan with brains, give politics a shot. People might consider letting him rule considering the mind he applies to make his films look more different.

He is the oldest young man, who may have a great future to carve our nations story into a sucessful box office hit type one, where we may gain some benefit.

He is already doing a great job impressing us with his attidhi devo bhava ads where he appears all calm and focused to change the Indian mentality.

I know my mom will vouch for him.!

Hell yes I know its a dog. Its my preference over the millions of people in the country. I am still confident enough that it will do a much better job than the existing govt which has sucked and shamed itself beyond recognition.
This dog much more civilized, toilet trained and might sniff back the lost black money.






Cheers to change!

Crossing the Taboo barrier

Its been a while since I last blogged. I was too preoccupied to master my infatuation with the guitar. There is an amazing song "Pani Da Rang" from the movie Vicky Donor, which is a light heart take on the concept of sperm donation revolving between a Punjabi hunk and a Bengali girl.

This movie is a giant leap by John Abraham to pull the mindset of the Indian audiences towards sensitive issues of life.

We Indians are one of the most volatile people in the world. To most of the Indians every pleasure comes with guilt.There are insane mobs of people who are on the prowl for loose tongued celebrities who goof up with their media statements, thus starting a continuous never ending process of dissatisfaction, which one must do away with.

In developed nations, every persons opinion is respected for, irrespective of its practicality or sentimental issues. Indians on the other hand, too inspired from an emotional bollywood, would rather burn tyres and stage a protest for reasons which could include a sly remark on their favorite actor or cricketer.

One of my classmates, called me after ages. We had a incredible long conversation as we recollected 

our old days. She finally dropped the bombshell that she was gay.

I was shocked out of my wits. It took me time to absorb the whole nugget of knowledge.

It was then that I realized that unknowingly I had been dragged into considering this issue as a an out of the world alarming situation.
It got me into a guilt trip and got me close to the realization that, it is morally wrong to bring up the topic of sexual orientation.
The world needs to change and try inculcating this practice as a general genuine state of being and not blow it out of proportion.
Amen